The Hour of Procrastination is Upon Us

 

Image Credit: Tinny Buddha

By Sekinat Abdulwakil 

Fellow students, greetings from the Ministry of Procrastination; the only ministry that has never missed a deadline because it never set one in the first place. Seeing that the management itself has delayed in deciding our fate, what better time is it to procrastinate than the 9th week or perhaps, the 11th week? Now, If the school can procrastinate, who are you not to?

It has come to our attention that several students have begun engaging in dangerous, anti-procrastination activities such as starting assignments early, attending classes and reading course materials as early as week three. These acts threaten the very foundation of our ministry is built on and, by extension, our cultural identity as students. We wish to remind all that procrastination is not a flaw. After all, “there is still time.”

Since our establishment in 1950 (or sometime later, we keep meaning to check the exact date. we haven't gotten to it), the Ministry of Procrastination has proudly upheld the national philosophy of “We Move Tomorrow.” We have produced generations of students who excel in last-minute miracles, midnight panic, and the fine art of performing under unnecessary pressure. Why change something that works perfectly? Our motto remains: Why do it now when you can panic later?

Under the leadership of our Honourable Minister, Comrade Lazyson D. Delay, the Ministry has recorded great progress in spreading the gospel of postponement across campuses nationwide. We successfully taught students how to finish their assignments between 11:00 p.m. and 11:59 p.m. on the due date. This policy has been so effective that even Google Docs now auto-saves (probably out of pity). In partnership with the Association of Academic Martyrs, we also introduced the “One Night to Remember” study plan, a revolutionary approach (if you ask me…) where students condense fourteen weeks of lectures into one night of misplaced confidence. 

The Ministry operates through several vital departments. The Department of Excuse Generation crafts innovative explanations such as the timeless “I thought it was due next week.” The Directorate of Unfinished Plans oversees vision boards, to-do lists, and goals that will definitely be started “soon.” The National Agency for Sleep Deprivation ensures students experience the full spiritual awakening of submitting assignments at 2a.m. with trembling fingers. And, of course, the Bureau of Academic Amnesia is dedicated to helping students forget everything they read immediately after exams. Our ministry functions 24/7, mostly thinking about how much work we have to do, without actually doing it. You should understand.

We have received inspiring testimonials from proud members of the community. We have our Ambassadors of Delay, a Certified Panic Performer, a Nightlife Scholar. They swear that “Sleep is for the weak. I thrive on regret and adrenaline.” The culture of procrastination, as you can see, remains alive and thriving on campuses.

However, the Ministry has observed a disturbing trend: a small minority of students now complete their assignments days before deadlines. These individuals, known as “early birds,” are a danger to our ecosystem. Their punctuality creates unrealistic expectations and may trigger guilt among normal students. We advise all patriotic citizens to report such individuals to the nearest procrastination unit for proper reorientation. Remember, productivity is contagious, stay safe, stay lazy.

As we look to the future, the Ministry is working tirelessly (slowly, but surely) on new policies to promote responsible delay. The Group Chat Diversion Act will encourage members to spend at least 80% of group project time arguing about who will work on the report or who will do the compilation. And the Calm Before Panic Program will offer techniques for pretending everything is under control when it absolutely isn’t. We are also developing a mobile app, ProcrastiMate, which sends encouraging notifications like “Relax, you still have six hours left” and “Future You can handle it.”

And if, for some crazy reason, you ever find yourself tempted to change, to plan ahead, to start early, to be efficient, hold on, pause. Breathe. Procrastination is not failure; it is faith. Faith that everything will be fine.

As another exam season approaches, we urge all students to uphold the proud traditions of academic delay. Remember: pressure makes diamonds, and mental breakdowns, but mostly diamonds. Do not be seduced by the false promises of time management or productivity influencers.

So, dear citizens, stay calm, stay confident, and keep saying, I’ll start tomorrow.

Signed,

The Ministry of Procrastination: In Delay We Trust.