SELF ANALYSIS

 

Image credit: bookbaby 

By Esther Arikanki (Loveth)

You know how defensive you get when confronted and how long it takes for you to admit that you were wrong. How you gave cold reactions when you seemed pressurized. Even when you promise yourself not to. How you were disrespectful, unnecessarily sassy and slightly ego-full. 

You also know how sometimes, you react to something, and the first thing your mind does is compare it to how someone else might’ve handled it? Like, “Hmm… if it were my former roommate, she’d never say it like that,” or, “Chidera would’ve just walked away calmly.” She wouldn't be questioned. She wouldn't tolerate that. And sometimes, that thought sits like truth. Until suddenly, your own reaction feels too much, too loud, too dramatic. Too… flawed. 

You know the times you sent a message too honest in a group chat and after series of overthinking, you deleted it. When you start adjusting your reactions, holding back your responses, or pretending unbothered. Just so you don't become too much, perfectionistic, overly curious, too sarcastic. Just to be liked. 

All these scenarios points out to one thing, your perceived flaws.

Most times we tend to overlook our flaws and focus more on the spilled tea on our neighbor's shirt rather than the rained Zobo on ours. Always wanting to point out any and every mistake in others without having to take out time to check out ours. And that was exactly how it felts reading through Demi's letter. 

With sweaty palms and an unnecessary rush of dopamine, I rushed to it. It was nothing but a letter, I sighed. 

I dropped it, with a bit of hesitation, but in all, a part of me was curious. Wanting to know why she'll write a letter. She wasn't all that emotionally 'tuffed' and lonely to resort to a piece of paper. And maybe that was enough reason to know what was there. Inside the folded ink stained paper. 

With a sudden grip of determination, I rushed for it. And read it. 

She said she needed a break. For now, she needed space. She was starting to look like a bad friend, a draining roomate. A hard person to love. She said she'd now realized that the fault wasn't totally from them. There was a part of her that knew she needed to change. And she only saw the need to change when she conducted a self analysis test of herself. I paused. The letter felt heavy. Not because of the words, but because they seemed too real! And maybe, that was what I needed. The letter further read. 

" So I asked myself. How many times I stayed up all night reminiscing on how bad I acted and how I made others feel less of themselves? How low I esteemed myself all in the name of not wanting to be termed proud? How deeply I hurted someone and walked away like nothing happened. How overly phlegmatic and choleric I'd become. How I pushed things all for my selfish desires. How I assumed growth to be fast just because I needed them to please me. How intolerant and desperately impatient I had become. 

And then I realized I was changing, because the first evidence of change is having realized what to change.