The weight I carried: A journey through forgiveness

 By Halimat Sunmonu 

Image Credit: Pinterest

If I get a penny for the number of times I bottled up in the past, I'd be stinking rich right now. Childhood days had me being very emotional, and I carried grudges around like a weight. I watched people hurt me so bad and I never wanted to let it go. Life threw so many lemons and I couldn't make lemonade. As the years passed, I carried each grudge, and the weight pulled me down. One day, I realized I wasn't punishing the people that hurt me, I was punishing myself. 

I thought they didn't deserve my forgiveness. I was hurt and felt that holding it all to heart will guard my heart against further heartbreaks. One thing is certain, forgiveness isn't about a person deserving it. We deserve it, and that comes first. It's the peace that comes with it. It's the freedom, light heart, and ability to see the person that hurt us and feel no pain. 

When I started letting go, the result was subtle yet surprising. I stopped carrying so much weight on my shoulders. I felt and looked relaxed. I had space for my joy again. I stopped looking at the worst in people, and I got the best. My relationships improved, because I stopped viewing them from the lens of past hurt.

My friend noticed, and she said, “You seem lighter”. I was. I laid aside every weight, and I had so much rest. 

Forgiveness isn't easy, it doesn't fall on you. It's a personal decision you make when the memories sting and you don't want to look back because you're tired. It's deciding again and again to walk away from the hurt and to never live in the past. 

I started with the minor wounds. The friend who told me I don't belong in a place, The colleague who missed my birthday.  Those minor wounds were my training ground. Sometimes, I discussed it with the person, and I realised it's not entirely their fault. I stopped making assumptions in my head and overthinking issues. I acknowledged the hurt and stopped drowning in it, and that helped me. 

For deeper wounds– The partner who cheated and took advantage of my naive self, the relative who bullied me. The process took longer. I crashed out badly, cried, spoke to friends who made me understand that forgiveness doesn't always mean reconciliation.  I chose healing without choosing a relationship.  Some days I forgave the same person over and over again. Forgiveness is a practice.

Forgiving myself was the hardest. The events replayed in my head, and I beat myself up for letting them get to me that much. I had self-compassion. When I stopped punishing myself, I extended the grace to others. 

When someone offends me today, I allow myself to feel it, because I'm human. I take some time to process it, and think of what to do with the pain. Sometimes I speak up for myself. 

Forgiveness didn't make me weak or naive, it made me free. Free to love, free to laugh, free to fear, and free to trust without suspicion. Yesterday's anger stopped poisoning today's possibilities. 

I stopped the mental checkmating, and I became free as a bird.