Put a Finger Up: Girl’s Girl Edition
By Sobowale Oluwadarasimi
Dear girl’s girl,
Why do you call yourself a girl’s girl if you laugh along when men jest about another woman, when you should vehemently shut it down or at least refuse to join in?
How are you a girl’s girl if you let your male friends disrespect her and excuse it with “that’s just how he is” or “boys will be boys"?
How are you a girl’s girl if you take a vulnerable thing another woman told you in confidence and serve it up as ‘gist,’ just because the room was dry and you wanted to be the one with the juice?
How are you a girl’s girl if you pride yourself on being the only one in the boys’ circle while you treat other women like they are beneath you simply because you’re the one that has access to ‘the boys’? (Dumb, if I dare add. These boys definitely DO NOT see you as one of them.)
How are you a girl’s girl if you hear a lie being spread about another woman and you stay quiet even when you know the truth?
How are you a girl’s girl if you secretly celebrate when her relationship crashes, or when she loses out on something you were eyeing for yourself?
How are you a girl’s girl if you refuse to congratulate her when she gets that thing you also wanted and you just scroll past in silence?
We live in a world that already teaches women to see each other as competition, a world that profits from pitting us against one another over who is prettier, who is smarter, who is more successful, who catches more attention, who is more endowed, or who is more loved.
Think about it; from childhood, girls are fed subtle scripts that normalize rivalry.
In school it’s the teacher who compares you to “the other girl that dresses more feminine and behaves like a lady” and at home it’s the aunt who points at your cousin’s cooking or lighter skin as the gold standard; and in the media it’s constant “who wore it better” polls or storylines where two women are fighting for one man’s attention.
Even in religion you’ll find coded ways women are compared; you’ll hear things about who’s more modest, who’s more virtuous.
This conditioning makes competition feel natural and even unavoidable, and because it’s so widespread, many women don’t even question it.
Instead, they internalize it as normal, and so when you find yourself secretly happy that another girl didn’t get the scholarship you wanted or you feel validated when a guy says “you’re not like other girls,” you don’t stop to think of how society planted that thinking in you.
And it doesn’t end with men being the benchmark either, it bleeds into friendships, workplaces, and communities.
Women sometimes become gatekeepers of opportunities because they subconsciously believe “there’s only room for one of us here,” which is a direct product of a system designed to limit how far women can go.
Patriarchy thrives when women distrust each other because it means the structure never gets challenged, it just keeps recycling itself. You see it too in how older women often treat younger women and project bitterness or internalized shame on them, especially in formal or educational settings.
You’ll hear it when they dismiss younger women’s successes by saying “it’s because of who she’s sleeping with” rather than admitting she worked hard. You’ll hear it when an aunt mocks a niece for being outspoken or too ambitious because “no man will marry you like that.”
That kind of behaviour is really not just personal nastiness, it’s also a reflection of what patriarchy does. Older women were also raised in a society that policed them, so instead of unlearning, many turn around and police the next generation.
They call it correction or advice but really it is another way of passing down the shame they were made to swallow. They call it discipline, but really it is resentment shaped by a society that told them there was no space for them either.
And so rather than widening the path, they become the guard at the gate, forgetting that they too once wanted freedom. And that’s why so many younger women grow up feeling judged before they’ve even had the chance to define themselves.
This is how cycles of distrust between women are formed, because the younger ones grow up expecting judgment from the very people who should be cushioning them.
Instead of mentorship they get mockery and instead of solidarity they get suspicion.
And it is so easy to internalize that, to start thinking “maybe women really are my enemies” because every stage of life has shown you examples of women tearing women down. That is literally what patriarchy wants! It wants a lineage of women too divided to ever question the system itself.
Being a girl’s girl means refusing to inherit that script, it means saying no to the shame that was handed down and choosing to be different in your own circles right now.
It means not ridiculing your coursemate for dressing a certain way, not assuming another girl’s success came from sleeping her way up, and in fact, not dragging someone behind her back just because it makes you feel safer about yourself.
And your responsibility doesn’t stop at your friends; it extends to every single girl you encounter; even, and, dare I say, especially the ones you don’t know personally.
As a girl’s girl, you have a responsibility to every single girl out there. Every one of them. Including yourself. Yes, yourself.
Because how you treat yourself sets the tone for how you show up for others.
How can you call yourself a girl's girl if you let yourself believe that your worth is tied to some man or is measured by being in a relationship or not?
How can you say you are one if you celebrate every other woman’s wins but downplay your own?
Or if you clap for everyone else yet refuse to let yourself rest without guilt?
Or when you sit with your thoughts and the voice in your head is harsher than anything you’d ever say to another girl?
How are you a girl's girl if you're a girl's girl to every girl but yourself?
It is important that you choose not to bully yourself with society’s impossible standards and to consciously set boundaries so you’re not constantly pouring from an empty cup.
You should also know that if you can’t practice the simple kindness of looking away from the very thing you know another woman might be insecure about, you are not a girl's girl.
There is absolutely no reason for you to look at a girl and say, "Your flat tummy is gone o.” or “Why are there dark circles beneath your eyes?” or “What happened to your skin?”
Do you have a cure for it?
If you don’t, then why speak?
Don't you think she already knows about all of those things that you pointed out to her?
Isn't she the one living in her body?
Does she not see her reflection every day?
You may argue that it’s concern, and maybe that’s true in your heart, but what she will hear is not concern. What she will hear is confirmation that her insecurities are indeed bright enough for others to see. And that is one of the biggest fears of a girl.
And yes, I know the next thing someone might ask still is: “But really, isn’t it care if I point it out? What if she’s tired, or unwell, or actually needs someone to check on her?”
Fair. But that’s where wisdom comes in.
Ask yourself: Will this information of mine help her?
If no, silence is better than careless commentary.
If yes, then frame it as support rather than criticism. Tell her something like; “You look tired. Is there any workload I could help you with?" That's way better than just saying something insensitive like; “Your skin is looking rough."
Likewise, it is important that you always remember that your value DOES NOT come from proximity to men or their approval!
Why does society not tell the men that they're not men until they have the title of a husband tied to them?
Why then should we take it when they say that we're not full women if we're not claimed by men yet? Or that if we aren't married by a certain age, we have failed as women?
Look, the older women who now ridicule and police were once young girls like us.
But they got it wrong somewhere.
And for that reason, we need to make conscious efforts to decide that we will not do the same to one another.
A girl’s girl is built in the small decisions she makes daily.
When you consciously clap for another girl’s win instead of letting envy eat up your pretty insides, when you check a guy that tries to disrespect her, when you keep her secret safe because you know what it costs to be vulnerable, when you extend kindness without expecting anything back; that is what it looks like. And the truth is, we need more of it in a society that profits when we compete with each other.
So the call is simple: my dear girls, choose yourselves and choose each other.
Choose yourself by refusing to let the world dictate the measures of your worth and by treating yourself with the same kindness you extend to others.
Choose each other by standing with women in both the big and small moments so no woman ever feels like she’s walking alone.
In your hostel, in your classes, in your friendships, even with strangers you may never meet again. Be the girl that another girl can look at and say, “she made me feel safe.”
That is what being a girl’s girl really is about, and that is how we build a culture where women trust each other enough to rise together.
And remember, you are not just a girl’s girl when you are a cheerleader for others, you are one when you are your own backbone too.
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