Na you know wetin you go do for Jawwar

By Olufunmilola Oludare

Ladies and gentlemen! The topic of today's lampoon has nothing to do with whether or not you attended Jawwar, but rather, why you attended. Whether or not you know why, the first week of Jawwar is over, and I expect that all of your agenda agended. At the end of this article, you can either call me Cynthia Ofori or humbly ask of me not to leave you. In this article, I will walk you through 6 different Jawwar agenda, the ones you think you know and the ones you would be surprised to know. 

 

Dear audience, I present to you the soft launch agenda. The soft launchers are the couples who have fallen head over heels in love, eager to share their relationship with the world, but aren't quite sure how to do it or when to do it. So, Jawwar is the perfect platform for them to subtly introduce their partner to society, testing the waters without making a big announcement. They don't say they're in a relationship, you just know they've been finding a platform to tell the world and if you still don't get it, forget abbourit. However, there is s caveat: not all  of them are in love, some of them are just in denial. If that babe keeps rejecting you, just take her to Jawwar and buy her snacks, everyone will assume you're together. In my opinion, it's a win win. 

 

The second and fast rising agenda is what l call “Tinubu in disguise”. This is exactly the scaffold used in the political terrains: “I remain Alani pomolekun and on this mandate I live” Please do not be surprised to discover after a month that Alani is running for UISU presidency and his mandate is to pawalekun but if you're wise enough, you would turn a blind eye to the tears that lay ahead, and focus on the present because tomorrow will take care of itself.

 

As much as this sounds unagenda-like, the cheerleading agenda is actually one of the top ranking in Jawwar. If you have ever heard of “I came here to support my friend” or “My crush is speaking today”, you would notice the kind of energy these persons come with. When they arrive, the only thing they don't do is jump on stage to sit with their friends/crushes. They're always hyped, they dance to every song Opmost drops and shout their crushes’ or friends’ faculties and halls even when they're clearly from Mellamby or Arts.

 

The fourth agenda is what i refer to as “bone of my bone; where art thou?”. Quite honestly, persons here  are the most valid and realest set of people that attend Jawwar. All glammed and dolled up, suited and with sparkling shinning lips, looking from one corner of the NFLT to another for their possible future partner or at least a detour to hold body and soul together. Is this your 5th year in UI? Or you're pushing your 4th year but, you're still single and with no prospective relationship in sight? Try attending JAWWAR today, , take as many contacts as you can because by tomorrow, your testimony will be full. With this OT, I hope you attend JAWWAR next year with a bright look and even a brighter boo.

 

To avoid stories that break the jugular, watch out for the “move agenda”. Persons in this category do not care about you, your babe or whether or not Queens Hall beat Zik for the first time, they're at Jawwar just to move things. I mean, they change the atmosphere with one move. Interestingly, the  move is the loudest when they're gone because, once you can't suddenly find your phone and powerbank and the guy you suspected could have moved it is nowhere to be found, you would definitely scream differently and no! Nobody is coming to save you. 

 

At the top of the list is the crown jewel, you can call this agenda “gbogbonise” that is, all round. I know you have questions, you're wondering how a person will pull all of these together abi? I don't know either but, the thing speaks for itself. When you see that one egbon that does the most, jetting from one end of the hall to another, speaking with this lady and that guy, even when they came with their babes, you can easily just tell they have multiple agenda. I'd also advise that you don't let your guard down around them because dem fit move your phone and even your babe. 

 

To conclude, ladies and gentlemen, you would agree with me that there is no greater assist than Jawwar; your agenda will agend, your plan will pan out and of course, your mandate will survive. Now, dear reader, should I go home or I should not leave you?