Freshers Entered the Group Chat

Photo Credit: Smart Bloggers 

By Ṣobowale Oluwadarasimi 

It is that time of year again. The birds are singing, the sun is shining differently, roasting unsuspecting scalps, freshers and staylites alike. A new batch of freshers and staylites have descended upon the premier grounds of academia.

For our fresh friends, you'll spot them easily; with their eyes wide, and their hearts fuller than their MTN welcome bonuses, clutching their office files like golden tickets to Willy Wonka’s factory. They arrive, they are brimming with hope, their steps are bouncy, newly made braids, shiny shoes, their skin still untouched by the campus sunburns and shege that await them. They move in coordinated confusion, always in pairs or threes, whispering to each other: "Are you a fresher too? But, they dare not ask a Staylite this question because na small thing dey vex old taker. It's a secret society for freshers because they are the only ones who understand. Of course, no one else could possibly be new here. Only them. The chosen Ones. The ones who believe they’re part of something revolutionary, as though universities didn’t exist before they arrived. While they keep basking in the thoughts of university being the best thing ever, staylites and finalists will not hesitate to drop the bomb of bad news on their innocent heads: UI will show you shege, I just want to graduate, UI will almost take your life. At the end, speech is nothing, body go tell fresher.

While you're roaming campus, expect that every building will look like a maze and every corridor a philosophical dilemma. In all, try to stay coordinated and conceal your confusion as much as possible. Those staylites you see are angry and will not mind advising you to take a cab from KDL to SUB. But, if you are lucky to get a nice Staylite to point you, don't take it for granted. You don't know, somehow you might still end up at the wrong department, asking the janitor if this is where "they share timetable." Some of you will wander into faculty meetings by mistake, sit down, and start taking notes with them. It takes about 2-3 mistakes for freshers to learn.

But let’s talk about the heart of freshness: the spending. Your wallet will automatically become wide open. Naira? Dollars? Cedis? Blood sacrifice? It doesn't matter. This is your first time away from home, and freedom tastes like overpriced shawarma and air-fried chicken from suspicious vendors with names like "Yummylicious Temmy."

You see, budgeting is for broke people, certainly not for you  whose ATM card shines with newness. Freshers do not budget, they bless, they spray, they tip, they say “keep the change” The economy may be weeping, but not freshers. Not yet. Their pockets are in denial, and denial is expensive.

Naturally, this affluence doesn’t go unnoticed. Cab drivers? Activated. Vendors? Sharpening their price tags. “From the Faculty of Arts to Awo Hall? That’ll be ₦1,200. Yes, I know it's a five-minute walk, but you're glowing so, how much then is ₦1,200? You will pay, because at that moment, it’s not about logic, It’s about vibes. You will enter keke like royalty, eyes fixed on the future, unaware that your ₦1,200 fare could have sponsored someone’s breakfast for a week. But who are we to stop destiny?

Throwback to the orientation program, no one remembers what was said, but everyone remembers the item7. It tasted like an unofficial welcome party. A soggy plate  of achievement, served with a warm water that somehow tasted like the heat you're about to feel for the next 4-5 years.

You sat through sessions upon sessions, nodding vigorously while your mind wandered to where you'd crash for the night. And when you finally got back to your hostel, half-asleep and heat-stricken, you couldn't just cook, another 2k down for dinner. 

You have fully settled into the hostel and the real adjustment has begun. New roommates, new odours, new reality. The toilet doesn't flush like the one at home. And suddenly, that jollof from the Tedder kiosk starts to feel like a stomach dare. You will learn to fetch water like Yemi, the popular housekeeper in Yoruba movies. You will learn to lock eyes with staylites in silent competition, no gree for them o, fling their buckets if they try to scatter the queue. 

Everything you will experience is what growth looks like; sharing a room with five strangers and their seven buckets each. Buckets that have names. Buckets that have opinions. And God help you if you touch the wrong one.

Now, you must learn to sleep with one eye open, and wake up to alarms that sound like church crusades. Campus life is a blend of soft chaos and public endurance. But don't complain yet. That is a story for another day, the journey has just begun. The streets are watching, angry staylites and the vendors are ready, don't give them any reason to tell you, “I told you so”.