Boy-Girl Friendship: Setting Healthy Boundaries

 

By OMODELE Goodness

While I've heard of many cases of sexual harassment from strangers, which took place in certain secluded regions and times, especially at night, one of the most hurtful cases of harassment is when it is initiated by guys who are supposedly friends. 

 Now, I’m not denying the fact that guys also get harassed, but ladies seem to be the frequent victims of such incidents. Unfortunately, based on the kind of society we find ourselves in, the ladies are also often blamed for whatever harassment they get from guys, especially friends.

When I read up on harassment stories, especially those from so-called ‘male friends’, I can’t help but wonder what factors could have caused it or what boundaries would have been crossed and ignored for such an incident to take place.

Consider this scenario: a young lady attended an event in the same area where her long-time male friend lived. Being a good friend, she texted and told him she would visit his home after the event. True to her words, she went over to his place. On a typical day, there would be other people around, but this time it was just the two of them—alone on the couch, with the windows closed and the doors locked. They exchanged greetings, starting with a handshake, followed by light rubbing off their arms, and eventually a long, tight hug. However, something unexpected happened that caused the young lady to leave his home in tears.

This scenario may sound familiar, and I sincerely empathise with those who have experienced something similar. Upon analysing this situation, we can identify that certain boundaries were crossed boundaries that society often overlooks, perhaps because of our modernised perspectives. In this article, I will discuss the importance of setting boundaries in friendships with the opposite gender, particularly when you want to maintain a platonic relationship.

According to my research, the first step in setting the right boundaries is to avoid getting physical with your male friends. This includes physical activity, including holding hands and hugging for too long. 

One fact about physical activity is that it creates an emotional attachment between those who engage in it and honestly speaking, it complicates things.

To be safe, avoid flirting or being touchy with male friends. Even when sitting, be intentional about putting a safe distance between you two.

Another step in creating boundaries is to make it clear you’re just friends. If a guy approaches you but you’re not sure of what his intentions are and he’s getting uncomfortably close to you, it would be a whole better for you to make it clear to him that you’re just friends. Don’t be afraid to take that stance. But if he insists on being friends to be more than friends with you, that friendship might not work out. 

This is because friendship requires that you’re both on the same page. Failure to recognise and carry out this step results in what we call situationship, where, according to one person (usually the guy), you both are in a relationship without the consent of the other party involved. In other words, being in a relationship and enjoying relationship benefits without being in one. And trust me, that’s one of the worst positions to be in.

Another step is to avoid hanging out with him alone, especially in romantic-like settings: If you intend to keep your friendship with him strictly platonic, the last thing you want to do is to be in settings that suggest otherwise. If you must meet, do so in places surrounded by people, public places to avoid stories that touch. And from the scenario above, this was the major boundary ignored. Visiting your male friends in their homes, hotels, and rooms should be strictly off the table if you want to keep yourself safe. This is not because your friends are bad but because anything can happen behind closed doors when you two are alone, and you wouldn’t want to give the devil such an opportunity.

Other boundaries that should be put in place include the following:

- Avoid late-night talking and everyday talking.

- Avoid oversharing: Avoid revealing intimate details of your life.

- Advisably, don't make your male friend your best friend if you don't want anything else. It is better to opt for godly female friends instead.

- Be careful with how you dress around them. This has been quite a controversial topic with certain ladies claiming that even if a girl dresses in such a way that her whole body is covered, it doesn't stop sexual harassment from happening. While this is undeniably true, I beg to differ. Dressing in a sexy, revealing way does more harm in this issue, so why not dress modestly and follow the other rules in this article?

- If you're in a relationship, it's best to involve your partner in the friendship: Don't leave out your partner in your friendship.

In conclusion, if you discover some kind of sexual tension between you and your male friend, it's okay to give yourself space to avoid the

 avoidable from happening.