Christmas Palava

 by Abraham Favour Olohigbe

      I woke up to the sounds of cooking from the kitchen. The next thing I heard was a knock on my door with my mom shouting at the top of her voice “Ada! Ada! Will you get your lazy ass out of bed. I need more hands in the kitchen”. I scrambled out of bed before Mama could call twice. My mom was known for a number of things but her patience was not one of them. I snagged my phone from the dresser and squinted blearily at the screen. It was only 4 am. I slipped into a pair of slippers and fumbled groggily for the door knob. Well, I was wasn’t exactly surprised. This happens every Christmas. Everyone comes around- both family members and those who are not. Some of my family members who I don’t seem to remember or know keep showing up or after the other. I just wished I hadn’t stayed up till 2. The beginnings of a headache were already playing at the back of my skull.

            I worked with my cousins my cousins making prepping meals and doing the dishes. No matter how many people had to be fed, leaving dishes was out of the question and so, even as a number of women took different positions in the kitchen. I washed utensils and plates as soon as they finished cooking, cleaned the floors and began  the whole process again.

      Each Christmas has its highlight. Last Christmas we discovered Aunt Rhoda's pregnancy for an mysterious man, and the year before, an uncle of mine brought in his eight wives to the party. In one way or the other, a very hot argument arose among them. Today’s uncertainty looms “Trailer might jam anybody”, as they say. Well, the pleasantries began and despite my feigned happiness, my efforts in the kitchen added 30,000 naira to my pocket.

    When the number of plates that had to be washed dwindled, I join my mom and some of my aunts as they try to finish up the native soups and the main party dish as you all know jollof rice and fried rice can hardly be bypassed. The cooking unfolds until the peace is shattered by heavy footsteps and slamming doors then the “kasala burst”. A heated argument ensued between them for now unknown individuals. This drew my mom’s exasperated comment about my father’s family starting again as she walked towards the sitting room with the rest of us right on her heels. Well “e no concern me” as long as I get to the root of the argument “Ofofo might not be good for the body but it's good for my health”.

As we entered the sitting room I heard “gbuahhh” Uncle Obiora slapped Aunty Chidinma screaming at her. “How would you lie against your cousin that he assaulted you?”

 “Well, that is not far from the truth. I heard that he had done the same to his female classmates,” she replied defiantly, still holding her cheek. Her fair skin was rapidly turning red.  The third unknown individual who turned out to be her mother retorted “Even if he assaulted you, he is family! Why would you have him arrested?”

   The older relations were later invited for a quick meeting to settle this particular argument, well I was right behind a window that was nearest to the place where it was settled to follow the gist “as e dey hot”. The cousin, Chukwuma, was later found to be a real culprit of assault and he had done the same to some of my other cousins.

“Thank God say he no reach my side sha”. My aunt said, grinning at Aunt Chidinma as she passed by her in the corridor. Chukwuma's fate was decided. All I can say is that he suffered and would probably never assault a girl in his next life.

That was probably the major highlight of my Christmas holiday apart from the fact that my sister was caught smoking weed, my brother surprisingly embraces Christianity (that is still hard to believe sha, that wicked soul can’t change), and to top it off my 59 year old mother drops the bombshell that she is pregnant again. The news was both shocking and amusing with several of my uncles teasing my father.

The celebration didn’t end till past 8, when the last of the family still enjoying the food and the gossip decided to back to their houses. Our family is a very large ine and I can’t wait to see what happens next Christmas.