WAHALA WEARS PURPLE

 

This is a phone recording between an odd therapist from the imaginary counselling facility at the University of Ibadan and an equally fictional overwhelmed finalist.

CHIAMAKA

Greatest gba gba, thank you for calling the counselling facility at the University of Ibadan. This is Chiamaka. Chi Chi for short. Your data here says you are Ogunrinde Adeola. 400-level student…

ADEOLA

(Cuts in) Before you ask how I am, I am feeling terrible. Can you help me?

CHIAMAKA

I’m here for all your tales of woe. Shoot.

ADEOLA

(Starts crying)

CHIAMAKA

(Sounds of laughter in the background) Adeola, you need to stop crying and talk to me.

ADEOLA

(Sniffs) I feel like I’m losing myself. I don’t know who I am anymore. This school is like a pressure cooker and just when I think that I can handle the pressure, the pressure keeps getting wesser. I need to leave this school on time and in one piece.

CHIAMAKA

(The sounds of laughter get louder and words that sounded like ‘bota’, ‘butter’, and ‘boti’ finds their way to the other end of the telephone)

ADEOLA

Are they done laughing? I don’t know if I’m the one they are laughing at, but I need to get this done in about 30 minutes for an important meeting. I have to know if I need to place a call to someone else that would do something.

CHIAMAKA

In specific terms, how can I help you, dear overwhelmed student?

ADEOLA

(Yells into the phone) I’m not just an overwhelmed student! I am many things. ‘Student’ is just a title, and ‘finalist’ is more appropriate. And by that, you should already have glimpses of what my life is like. Early in the mornings, I am the mother to a few dozens of ugwu plants and you have no idea how troublesome taking care of ugwu plants can be right? And then, I have to be in classes that cannot be missed. I nearly missed a test on a compulsory course yesterday. Apart from having to earn some extra money from the sale of perfumes, you know, the kind that lasts 48 hours, I sell them at affordable prices sha..(pauses when she hears the sound of groundnuts getting crunched). And of course, you don’t want me reeling off how hard it is to be a sister of sisters, fashion designer per excellence, fellowship mumsy and everything in between. My hats keep piling up, and I’m getting hidden in its tall mass day by day.

CHIAMAKA

(‘The Emperor, the conqueror, the champion, the Lion is here. Nzogbu nzogbu, Eyimba enyi. Mastaa!’ blasts amidst the sound of groundnuts getting crunched)

ADEOLA

Sorry, are you still there?

CHIAMAKA

My dear Adeola, can you take a deep breath and talk to me calmly? I’m taking copious notes here.

ADEOLA

Okay. I have three tests that I’m not prepared for this week and it’s my last semester. The last time I felt this way, I know it was because I wasn’t prayerful enough, and of course, that was because I was naïve, and it led to depression. I don’t know if you understand what I’m saying. Even I don’t. But, a chain of events in this particular manner happened during the previous session. I’m so scared to death. I don’t know what to do!

CHIAMAKA

(The crunching of groundnuts stops, and the music and background chatter stops.)

ADEOLA

Can you help me still the time just like you did now?

CHIAMAKA

Sorry?

ADEOLA

I feel like my life is rushing. E dey rush gan-an. Do you know that if CGPA’s could rush from 2.2 to 2.1 the way activities are rushing me this semester, global warming would pause? Other elements will have paused too sha, and maybe I’ll be the only one moving and going about my normal activities and catching up. Then, maybe Jesus’ coming would be ‘real soon’ too after the freeze is released.

CHIAMAKA

(Deep sigh) My job does not give provisions for the materials I need to still time. And if I heard you right, you want to leave UI on time. I do not see the need to still time here.

ADEOLA

The need is glaring. Do you have any idea how life is outside school? I want to enjoy my life as much as I can for the few weeks left to leave school.

CHIAMAKA

I see.

ADEOLA

Can you do it or not?

CHIAMAKA

Well, you might want to take on my offer of a free 3-day course on time management, courtesy of the University of Ibadan counselling facility. We would like you to give it a five-star rating.

ADEOLA

Hello! Sorry, I can’t hear you anymore. Hello! (Blows air from her mouth into her phone speaker and cuts the call)